when my belly starts a rumbling/and i'm jonesing for a treat/i close my eyes for a big surprise/potassium chloride bag
oh i love the potassium chloride bag/it hangs from my iv/and a nurse comes in to change it/about every hour or three
it's sort of like bananas/when it courses through my veins/docs don't front me 'cause i got the juice/there's a train of naughty nurses with a nice caboose/never get in trouble with a doctor's excuse/that's potassium chloride bag
i love potassium chloride bag no one tells me to behave/i get to skip my spongebaths/and i don't have to shave/hydromorphone makes me laugh instead and fentanyl grows like weeds
you get to veg all day
so much rock band to play
your onco wants you to have it your way
that's potassium chloride bag!
come and get it!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
i'm sorry
i think that the thing i've said the most since i've gotten here is "i'm sorry". i pretty much say it after every action. let's use some real-life examples to find out why:
i'm sorry i'm not wearing the hospital socks, but my feet were turning white on the bottom.
i'm sorry i need to bother you with changing my xbox games, but i can't sit up alone.
i'm sorry i need you to get my pain pump for the 4th time, but i keep knocking it off the bed.
i'm sorry it takes me ten minutes to get out of bed, with help, but sitting up tires me now.
i'm sorry i left you in a position to clean up after me, the meds i'm on give me diarrhea.
i'm sorry that sometimes i just push the button to talk to someone, i get lonely in here.
i'm sorry you visited me and i couldn't talk, they've had a tube down my throat all week.
i'm sorry you have to walk out in the cold at night, but i can't come visit you.
i'm sorry you had to write a second final, but i want to graduate eventually.
i'm sorry it hurts you to see me this way, but i can't get better any faster than this.
i'm sorry you have to drive up here every weekend and stay in a hotel room, but they keep scheduling surgeries on fridays, and they might need your consent in case something happens.
i'm sorry i have a urachal adenocarcinoma.
i'm sorry that i'm apologizing for having cancer.
i'm sorry that you have to tell me not to apologize.
most of all, i'm sorry that something about me, even if it's not me, is hurting you.
i'm sorry i'm not wearing the hospital socks, but my feet were turning white on the bottom.
i'm sorry i need to bother you with changing my xbox games, but i can't sit up alone.
i'm sorry i need you to get my pain pump for the 4th time, but i keep knocking it off the bed.
i'm sorry it takes me ten minutes to get out of bed, with help, but sitting up tires me now.
i'm sorry i left you in a position to clean up after me, the meds i'm on give me diarrhea.
i'm sorry that sometimes i just push the button to talk to someone, i get lonely in here.
i'm sorry you visited me and i couldn't talk, they've had a tube down my throat all week.
i'm sorry you have to walk out in the cold at night, but i can't come visit you.
i'm sorry you had to write a second final, but i want to graduate eventually.
i'm sorry it hurts you to see me this way, but i can't get better any faster than this.
i'm sorry you have to drive up here every weekend and stay in a hotel room, but they keep scheduling surgeries on fridays, and they might need your consent in case something happens.
i'm sorry i have a urachal adenocarcinoma.
i'm sorry that i'm apologizing for having cancer.
i'm sorry that you have to tell me not to apologize.
most of all, i'm sorry that something about me, even if it's not me, is hurting you.
Monday, November 30, 2009
idea for my birthday's facebook event:
dress code: i will wear a snuggie and crown. you will not. underwear optional for both of us. refreshments: i am going to strap a heineken draughtkeg to my back and see how much of it i can finish. you will get keystone light. entertainment: during sports and jeopardy, we will sit and enjoy. you will sit quietly. i will provide all the color commentary the room needs. the rest of the time, we will be listening to the complete works of andrew wk on repeat. no rock band, as i would hate for anyone to be upset when they never got to play lead guitar or sing for the whole day, since i would be taking both. depending on the amount of people, we will engage in a game of trivial pursuit, the rest of the room vs. me (and google). seating: i have dibbs on the couch. you are allowed to sit on the couch if you wish, but i have the power to remove you. this includes all cushions, as i do not wish for my feet to remain unelevated for long. this extra comfort will help me properly give my opinion on the television. gifts: in lieu of gifts, i would just like to point out that while snuggified, i am unable to discretely touch myself, and that any ladies in the room (sevens or better) are free to help out in torsion prevention. for the gentlemen, john holmstrom especially, stay the fuck away from my testicles. cake: anyone (other than me) caught making a portal reference when learning of the absence of cake will be beaten over the head with the aforementioned draughtkeg, stripped of all clothes and possessions, and escorted out into the illinois winter. cake: the band: has a new album out soon. it's been taking them forever because they're trying to do it with no carbon footprint and the sun's a little bitch. we will not be discussing environmental topics at the party, however. to do so is to occur the above "outside naked" penalty. hooking up: encouraged. i am also lifting the traditional birthday "tag-in tax". however, if you do use my room for said purpose, leave a note. i have clean linens in the closet, and i don't mind washing sheets, i just don't want to fall asleep in byproduct. bathroom: only one bathroom. take extra pepto before you come so you don't have to deuce. and guys can help by using the patio when possible. we need to keep that bathroom open for when i start puking. conclusion: i will be using my right to turn my birthday into a crazy event for maximum enjoyment. by doing so, i fully expect to be the only person having fun. this is the point. it's 2010, it's my birthday, and everyone else can fuck off.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
If your next Family Game Night includes these games, you should consider getting emancipated.
If you've learned anything about me, you should know that I'm a huge fan of games. Board games especially. But there are some board games that I never want to play again. Consider this a fair warning: the next time you ask me to play any of these games, I'm going to find your copy and set it on fire.
3) Monopoly.
I very well might have spent more hours playing Monopoly than any other copyrighted game in existence. This is because every house is required by social contract to have at least two copies of Monopoly:
The basic edition you can get for five dollars anywhere the free market exists.
And one of the umpteen-fucking-million "special editions" marked up to four times the cost of the original game, all so you can drive around with a football or Buzz Lightyear:
This, to a degree, is fine. If we're going to live in a world where I can waste all of my disposable income on sporting events and porn, other people should be allowed to waste their money on die-cast Steelers legends. Even the knock-off editions that fuck with the numbers and add weird cards are less bothersome than the basic premise of the game: trading.
The problem with trading in Monopoly is that it's pretty easy to figure out who's getting the better deal out of any particular trade. Holy shit, statistics has a purpose.
As such, the only trades that get made happen for one of two reasons: either to get the game over with, or to try to stay alive with weird deals that usually involve "immunity." Well, here's the only immunity I want: immunity from ever having to play this piece of shit game again.
2) Lost: The Game
Here's how I imagine this one went:
"Wow, this show is really popular!"
"Yeah, we should make a board game out of it! We can have the characters from the show, and the island, and the smoke monster, and everything!"
"Wow, this should be awesome! How do people win the game?"
"Well, the show's still got another four seasons before we know if anyone on the show has a happy ending... we'll leave that for the expansion pack!"
"So, you're saying we should leave our fans in limbo for four years?"
"I know what we can put on the box... "JUST LIKE THE TV SHOW!""
You know who lost the game? You did. You did by buying this waste of a good license.
(Also, this "The Game" bullshit needs to stop right. fucking. now.)
1) Apples to Apples
I will admit, the first time I played this game, I enjoyed it. (I was also wasted.) Since then, no matter what my BAC was, I've had no enjoyment from this game. Why, you ask? Because it's the same thing every fucking time.
"HAHA YOU PLAYED THE HITLER CARD! EDGY! A POINT FOR YOU!"
"HELEN KELLER HAD DISABILITIES! I'VE NEVER LOLED THIS HARD IN MY LIFE! POINT!"
"Edward R. Murrow? Who's that?" (Actual gameplay quote. In her defense, she was some sort of bio major, so it's indeed possible she's never read a book in her life.)
Look, there are a few hard and fast rules of comedy: If I have to explain it, it's not funny. Shock comedy loses its luster faster than anything else. And very few things are funny the fifteenth time. This game tends to combine all three of the Comedy Donts, and suffers from the biggest problem a game can have: tedium.
Every round is worth the exact same one point score. Every round contains fifteen seconds of thinking, two seconds to place your card in the center of the circle, and three minutes of waiting for someone else to pay attention and set something down. (If nothing else, though, this is a good time to drink.) This wouldn't be so bad if our group quit at the reccomended win condition. This length of game would take about 45 minutes, which is a fair amount of time to do something you don't really want to do if enough other people think you should. (Like class.) However, we like to go through the entire box every time we play, an endeavour that takes around three hours. Which, again, wouldn't be so bad if the game was three hours of flip a card, play a card, draw a card, pick a winner, repeat. It would even be fine if you were required to come up with your own responses, e.g. Match Game, Balderdash, or any other game that requires you to be funny. Not here.
My advice: if you buy this game, play through each card exactly once, laugh the appropriate amount of times at the "Hitler"+"Visionary" combo, and go back to playing a man's game, like Diplomacy.
3) Monopoly.
I very well might have spent more hours playing Monopoly than any other copyrighted game in existence. This is because every house is required by social contract to have at least two copies of Monopoly:
The basic edition you can get for five dollars anywhere the free market exists.
And one of the umpteen-fucking-million "special editions" marked up to four times the cost of the original game, all so you can drive around with a football or Buzz Lightyear:
This, to a degree, is fine. If we're going to live in a world where I can waste all of my disposable income on sporting events and porn, other people should be allowed to waste their money on die-cast Steelers legends. Even the knock-off editions that fuck with the numbers and add weird cards are less bothersome than the basic premise of the game: trading.The problem with trading in Monopoly is that it's pretty easy to figure out who's getting the better deal out of any particular trade. Holy shit, statistics has a purpose.
As such, the only trades that get made happen for one of two reasons: either to get the game over with, or to try to stay alive with weird deals that usually involve "immunity." Well, here's the only immunity I want: immunity from ever having to play this piece of shit game again.
2) Lost: The Game
Here's how I imagine this one went:
"Wow, this show is really popular!"
"Yeah, we should make a board game out of it! We can have the characters from the show, and the island, and the smoke monster, and everything!"
"Wow, this should be awesome! How do people win the game?"
"Well, the show's still got another four seasons before we know if anyone on the show has a happy ending... we'll leave that for the expansion pack!"
"So, you're saying we should leave our fans in limbo for four years?"
"I know what we can put on the box... "JUST LIKE THE TV SHOW!""
You know who lost the game? You did. You did by buying this waste of a good license.
(Also, this "The Game" bullshit needs to stop right. fucking. now.)
1) Apples to Apples
I will admit, the first time I played this game, I enjoyed it. (I was also wasted.) Since then, no matter what my BAC was, I've had no enjoyment from this game. Why, you ask? Because it's the same thing every fucking time.
"HAHA YOU PLAYED THE HITLER CARD! EDGY! A POINT FOR YOU!"
"HELEN KELLER HAD DISABILITIES! I'VE NEVER LOLED THIS HARD IN MY LIFE! POINT!"
"Edward R. Murrow? Who's that?" (Actual gameplay quote. In her defense, she was some sort of bio major, so it's indeed possible she's never read a book in her life.)
Look, there are a few hard and fast rules of comedy: If I have to explain it, it's not funny. Shock comedy loses its luster faster than anything else. And very few things are funny the fifteenth time. This game tends to combine all three of the Comedy Donts, and suffers from the biggest problem a game can have: tedium.
Every round is worth the exact same one point score. Every round contains fifteen seconds of thinking, two seconds to place your card in the center of the circle, and three minutes of waiting for someone else to pay attention and set something down. (If nothing else, though, this is a good time to drink.) This wouldn't be so bad if our group quit at the reccomended win condition. This length of game would take about 45 minutes, which is a fair amount of time to do something you don't really want to do if enough other people think you should. (Like class.) However, we like to go through the entire box every time we play, an endeavour that takes around three hours. Which, again, wouldn't be so bad if the game was three hours of flip a card, play a card, draw a card, pick a winner, repeat. It would even be fine if you were required to come up with your own responses, e.g. Match Game, Balderdash, or any other game that requires you to be funny. Not here.
My advice: if you buy this game, play through each card exactly once, laugh the appropriate amount of times at the "Hitler"+"Visionary" combo, and go back to playing a man's game, like Diplomacy.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Srs Business
Once you're done reading the two posts on here, go check out my co-worker's blog. Alex is a foreigner, but he's assured me that he's not taking spy secrets back to the motherland.
TV Power Rankings
Here's the first issue of what will ideally be a weekly thing: five shows that you should be watching. Rankings are based off of a number of subjective and objective criteria that are much too important to quantify in words:
5. The Office
The Office is one of the best comedies on TV, but it's really faltered this past season. It still makes the list because in the last episode, "The Michael Scott Paper Company", Michael quit. Yes, the "main character quits" angle has been beaten to death. I'm still holding out some hope that they stick with this for more than one week. If it goes back to the status quo by the end of the next episode, I'll have officially lost faith that the show will ever really try to mix up the formula, which is sad, because the first third of season three was some of the show's best work. Also, catch Parks and Recreation, if for no other reason than because it's loaded with talent.
4. Tough Love
Two reality shows are on the power rankings this week, and this one is on here entirely because of the host. Steve is brilliant, and needs to be shouting at every woman on VH1, not just these eight.
3. The Duel 2
When done right, the never-ending series of Road Rules/Real World Challenges can be very entertaining. The Duel was a particularly good season, in that an episode only took thirty minutes, leading to a half challenge, half drunken outburst format. It's quick, it's solid, it's good shitty TV when you want to fill your head with garbage. And it's interesting to see what goes on in the minds of professional reality show contestants, so there's that. (Imagine how much everyone on Survivor would hate each other by now if they'd have been using the same contestants in every season. Actually, I would like to see a year of Survivor in which the castaways play for a million dollars, come back, and go back out and do it again for a second million in the spring.)
2. 30 Rock
Easily the top comedy on TV right now; just not this week. I highly recommend you watch it all from the beginning. You're on the internet right now, so I have faith that you know what to do.
1. Scrubs
This is a show that seemed to be doing really well for a while, but fell off the rails a couple of years ago. This year, since a move to ABC forced some large budget cuts, the writers had to get creative, leading to them stepping out of the rut they'd been in. Main characters take weeks off, so episodes are allowed to flow naturally, without the need to have a weekly C-plot for The Janitor to come in, say something wacky, and leave. They've also fixed the problem of needing to tie the narrative structure into JD's thoughts every week, so the last minute of each episode isn't horrible. I reccomend starting at the beginning of this season and watching from there; don't worry if you missed a couple seasons, you didn't miss anything that ten minutes on Wikipedia can't fix.
Alright, I'm out. Let's see if I make it back within a week this time.
5. The Office
The Office is one of the best comedies on TV, but it's really faltered this past season. It still makes the list because in the last episode, "The Michael Scott Paper Company", Michael quit. Yes, the "main character quits" angle has been beaten to death. I'm still holding out some hope that they stick with this for more than one week. If it goes back to the status quo by the end of the next episode, I'll have officially lost faith that the show will ever really try to mix up the formula, which is sad, because the first third of season three was some of the show's best work. Also, catch Parks and Recreation, if for no other reason than because it's loaded with talent.
4. Tough Love
Two reality shows are on the power rankings this week, and this one is on here entirely because of the host. Steve is brilliant, and needs to be shouting at every woman on VH1, not just these eight.
3. The Duel 2
When done right, the never-ending series of Road Rules/Real World Challenges can be very entertaining. The Duel was a particularly good season, in that an episode only took thirty minutes, leading to a half challenge, half drunken outburst format. It's quick, it's solid, it's good shitty TV when you want to fill your head with garbage. And it's interesting to see what goes on in the minds of professional reality show contestants, so there's that. (Imagine how much everyone on Survivor would hate each other by now if they'd have been using the same contestants in every season. Actually, I would like to see a year of Survivor in which the castaways play for a million dollars, come back, and go back out and do it again for a second million in the spring.)
2. 30 Rock
Easily the top comedy on TV right now; just not this week. I highly recommend you watch it all from the beginning. You're on the internet right now, so I have faith that you know what to do.
1. Scrubs
This is a show that seemed to be doing really well for a while, but fell off the rails a couple of years ago. This year, since a move to ABC forced some large budget cuts, the writers had to get creative, leading to them stepping out of the rut they'd been in. Main characters take weeks off, so episodes are allowed to flow naturally, without the need to have a weekly C-plot for The Janitor to come in, say something wacky, and leave. They've also fixed the problem of needing to tie the narrative structure into JD's thoughts every week, so the last minute of each episode isn't horrible. I reccomend starting at the beginning of this season and watching from there; don't worry if you missed a couple seasons, you didn't miss anything that ten minutes on Wikipedia can't fix.
Alright, I'm out. Let's see if I make it back within a week this time.
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