idea for my birthday's facebook event:

dress code: i will wear a snuggie and crown. you will not. underwear optional for both of us. refreshments: i am going to strap a heineken draughtkeg to my back and see how much of it i can finish. you will get keystone light. entertainment: during sports and jeopardy, we will sit and enjoy. you will sit quietly. i will provide all the color commentary the room needs. the rest of the time, we will be listening to the complete works of andrew wk on repeat. no rock band, as i would hate for anyone to be upset when they never got to play lead guitar or sing for the whole day, since i would be taking both. depending on the amount of people, we will engage in a game of trivial pursuit, the rest of the room vs. me (and google). seating: i have dibbs on the couch. you are allowed to sit on the couch if you wish, but i have the power to remove you. this includes all cushions, as i do not wish for my feet to remain unelevated for long. this extra comfort will help me properly give my opinion on the television. gifts: in lieu of gifts, i would just like to point out that while snuggified, i am unable to discretely touch myself, and that any ladies in the room (sevens or better) are free to help out in torsion prevention. for the gentlemen, john holmstrom especially, stay the fuck away from my testicles. cake: anyone (other than me) caught making a portal reference when learning of the absence of cake will be beaten over the head with the aforementioned draughtkeg, stripped of all clothes and possessions, and escorted out into the illinois winter. cake: the band: has a new album out soon. it's been taking them forever because they're trying to do it with no carbon footprint and the sun's a little bitch. we will not be discussing environmental topics at the party, however. to do so is to occur the above "outside naked" penalty. hooking up: encouraged. i am also lifting the traditional birthday "tag-in tax". however, if you do use my room for said purpose, leave a note. i have clean linens in the closet, and i don't mind washing sheets, i just don't want to fall asleep in byproduct. bathroom: only one bathroom. take extra pepto before you come so you don't have to deuce. and guys can help by using the patio when possible. we need to keep that bathroom open for when i start puking. conclusion: i will be using my right to turn my birthday into a crazy event for maximum enjoyment. by doing so, i fully expect to be the only person having fun. this is the point. it's 2010, it's my birthday, and everyone else can fuck off.